I’m trying not to put expectations on things, because I’m pretty sure the only garrentee in this life is that nothing turns out like you think it will. So, you let your self be surprised. You cover your eyes and say up to the heaven’s, ‘Alright, look—I’m not looking.” Meanwhile you’re bumping into things and are so intent on being surprised that you miss moments completely or worse, you’re left terribly un-surprised. You’re sitting in a room with rainbow streamers and balloons and a sign with your name on it…and no one is there. No one showed up to your own surprise party. How could this have happened?
Basically, you can get burned lighting the candles and not lighting the candles. Either way, the moment you wish for something its out of your reach forever. So don’t wish. I’m not gonna wish, even though the one guy I’ve loved since 3rd grade may show up in New York City all the way from Arkansas on a random summer’s afternoon with only the intention of seeing me, the one of three friends he has living in the city now from back home.
If I wish this to be the moment he realizes after all these years that I am the perfect person for him…..then I might as well never have gotten on this train to meet him at Port Authority.
You know, I used to close my eyes and imagine all the things we’d say and talk about together. He lived in a neighborhood next to mine and we shared the same classes and friends and lunch tables. We stood in the same place for 13 years and never knew each other. Maybe he wasn’t looking my way or maybe I was just too damn afraid to be myself before him. Perhaps he isn’t as beautiful or kind or interesting as I’ve always pictured him to be. (beat) I don’t care.
You just love people, and no matter how impossible it all seems, you get to choose it. At least that’s one thing in life you have control over.
I’m planning this party....and even if no one shows up and the evening’s a flop, at least I’ll have an uneaten cake to keep me company until the next chance for wishing comes my way.
a little monologue that maybe will be in a play someday. Its actually one of the first monologues i've written that can stand on its own.
I've been writing a lot since I moved to NYC. More to come....
